They’re in a better place now ...And other things never to say to the grieving.

At Dead Positive we do a training course called the D* Word, it’s all about how to talk to people who are grieving and people who are dying.

Talk about a broad brushstroke.

Grieving and dying are natural, perpetual states for every single human. We are creatures of finite physical embodiment, living in a vessel which (whatever your beliefs are) at some point stops working. We’re also creatures who live in a cyclical world of ever-changing transformation.

Everything around us constantly shifting and us continually needing to adapt to the loss. The smallest ones – taking a last swig of your tea and finding that your cup’s already empty and you just momentarily forgot, and the biggest ones – someone who’s impacted your life coming to the end of their breath. And yet, each of us (whoever we are) feel some sense of awkwardness when interacting with someone who’s recently experienced a death or a scary diagnosis of their own.

Those who come on our D* Word training are very quickly told that the one thing they’d hoped they’d come for (the magic go-to words) don’t actually exist. We get the disappointment out there from the off because the truth is all of us want an easy answer which will cause the least upset and will help the most.

Here’s a quick checklist though of handy dos and don’ts which might help you to feel more comfortable:

• Do say the dead person’s name.

• And don’t feel that you’ve caused upset if you do (they were upset already, you’ve just given them the permission to show it).

• Do acknowledge what has happened.

• And don’t feel that you’re reminding them (they’re never going to forget, but they might be worried that other people will, you being open in this way is reassurance that you haven’t).

• Do let them know that you are always there to listen.

• And that you’re also there just to be in silence with them too.

• Do be explicit about what you are going to do.

• And don’t ever say “Let me know if there’s anything I can do ...” They won’t.

• So, instead say, “I’ll be at yours Thursday at 6 to cook tea, you don’t even need to speak to me”, “I’ll pick the kids up on Saturday afternoon and take them out for a couple of hours”, “I’m going to walk your dog tomorrow” Practical gifts are everything.